Chapter 7: “i MAY have SORT OF…crapped my pants”

This conversation was posted with permission.

Night Bowel: man…
Night Bowel: something bad happened
Kerry: what?
Night Bowel: ok… well…
Night Bowel: i tell you this ONLY because you’re my friend
Night Bowel: and i also tell you this with complete candor and contrition
Night Bowel: with my head hung LOW
Kerry: ok…
Night Bowel: i MAY have SORT OF…. crapped my pants
Kerry: yikes. like how much? a little or a lot?
Night Bowel: well i was asleep
Night Bowel: and i was having a dream
Night Bowel: and in the dream, for whatever reason, there were stuffed animals coming out of my body
Night Bowel: like out of my stomach
Night Bowel: and my arms
Night Bowel: and i sorta started to wake up
Night Bowel: and then one started to come out of my ass
Night Bowel: and i was half conscious
Night Bowel: and i was like….. haaaaaang on
Kerry: you shit stuffed animals.
Night Bowel: no i shit the worlds worst diarrhea
Night Bowel: seriously dude
Night Bowel: my body exorcised a bona fide stank demon
Kerry: i hope you don’t mind that i am kinda giggling.
Kerry: i mean, that really sucks. and i feel bad for you. but you are being pretty funny about it.
Night Bowel: well i’m laughing about it too
Night Bowel: i thought about starting a real essay about it
Kerry: i think you should. especially considering the stuffed animal angle
Night Bowel: the worst part
Night Bowel: i was lying on my left side
Night Bowel: which meant i had to ROLL OVER to get out of bed
Kerry: hahahaha
Night Bowel: which just made things fucking worse
Night Bowel: and in a moment of (probably) poor judgment, i just threw the shitty underwear into the washing machine
Kerry: eh i think they’ll be fine. and so will the washing machine.
Night Bowel: by then my boxer shorts must’ve weighed a good 2 pounds
Kerry: ohhhhh. ok, yeah that was probably poor judgment
Night Bowel: ooooo and it was green
Kerry: DANG
Kerry: what the HELL did you eat?
Night Bowel: ok well maybe like 1.5 pounds
Night Bowel: nothing
Night Bowel: just dinner
Night Bowel: some mashed potatoes and some sliced roast turkey
Night Bowel: but i’ve been taking a shit ton of aleve
Night Bowel: that might’ve done it
Kerry: i don’t think aleve would turn your doo doo green
Night Bowel: maybe i’ll go get them out and just commit them to the earth
Night Bowel: ashes to ashes
Kerry: circle of life
Night Bowel: yeah man. that shit should grow a tree or something
Kerry: it does sound heartily fertilized
Night Bowel: god, kerry… it was… *sob*… nutty
Kerry: it sounds like you crapped a health food bar
Night Bowel: and i had eaten NO peanuts
Kerry: hahahah
Night Bowel: is that what all those skinny people are eating?
Kerry: how should i know?
Night Bowel: radioactive shit?
Kerry: might explain how they manage to curb their hunger
Night Bowel: by the time i was really waking up, it was too late to stop it
Night Bowel: yknow
Night Bowel: not being conscious
Night Bowel: it really shouldn’t even count
Kerry: dude. how you tally your pants-crapping is completely up to you.
Night Bowel: your time will come, sister
Night Bowel: it might be in old age
Night Bowel: but it’ll come
Kerry: oh i’m sure.
Night Bowel: yeah… well this definitely starts a new chapter in my life
Night Bowel: no longer can i say “heh… i’ve never crapped MY pants”
Kerry: that’s true. this is a milestone.

~~~ Edited ’cause we go off topic for a bit. Then Night Bowel writes “kurmudgeonly” ~~~

Night Bowel: shitting your pants can fuck up your spelling skills
Kerry: heehee
Kerry: does it make you make typoos?
Night Bowel: feel free to blog about me shitting my pants
Night Bowel: just give me an alias
Night Bowel: i want to be… fernando
Kerry: haha glad you said that. i wanted to post it. without your name in it, of course.
Kerry: How about turdando
Night Bowel: how about pantsshitter
Kerry: nah that one’s too obvious
Night Bowel: turnando is ok
Night Bowel: he could be a good character
Kerry: hee
Night Bowel: he loves to eat feces pieces
Night Bowel: How about Night Bowel
Night Bowel: instead of fighting crime, I shit my pants in my sleep.