Chapter 5: Dying of Mad Cow Disease

Kerry: well, technically, you could get cancer from HPV, so yeah, you could get cancer from sex.
Kerry: but not parkinsons disease. you can’t get that from sex.
Diana: or mad cow
Kerry: mad cow disease is the reason i DON’T get sex.
Diana: HAHA
Diana: did I ever tell you that I can’t give blood because I might have mad cow?
Kerry: no! really?
Diana: yup
Diana: I lived in england in 1979-1980, so I’m at risk of having been infected
Diana: my parents ACTUALLY HAD A FRIEND WHO DIED OF MAD COW
Diana: her name was bessie
Diana: at the funeral, they played really beautiful moooooo-sic
Diana: her grave is surrounded by barbed wire
Kerry: did they serve hamburgers?
Diana: yes, and milk
Kerry: was she buried at Ar-loin-ton Cemetery?
Kerry: HAHAHAAHA
Diana: OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Diana: you win
Kerry: i’m sorry. i just cracked myself up.
Diana: me too
Diana: her name wasn’t bessie
Diana: actually, it was a man
Diana: I didn’t like him much
Diana: he was kind of a bull-y
Kerry: god what a pig.
Kerry: sorry, wrong disease.
Diana: if I die of mad cow, I want everyone to sing a hymn at my funeral
Diana: “amazing graze”
Kerry: NICE
Kerry: i’ll perform a silo
Diana: oh good one
Kerry: i’ll also perform a moology
Diana: yeesh
Kerry: where i’ll tell everyone how you grabbed life by the horns
Diana: oh yes
Kerry: and had 4 stomachs
Kerry: and let everyone yank on your tits.
Diana: and had a ring in my nose
Kerry: and then i’ll tearfully look to the heavens and say you flew over the moon
Diana: and during the recessional, cowbells will ring out across the city
Diana: and we’ll hire the OK Chorale!
Kerry: OK Chorale = awesome
Kerry: and your tombstone will read “where’s the beef?” with an arrow pointing downward.
Diana: it’ll be a little weird being buried in piles of my own shit
Kerry: piles of your own shit mixed with the food you used to eat.
Diana: and people will ask “why god, WHY?”
Diana: and the preacher will say, “there’s no use chewing the cud”
Diana: “there’s not an immortal am-angus”
Kerry: HAHAHAHA
Diana: oh god, that was bad
Kerry: yes and that’s what makes it so good
Diana: what if mad cow disease meant that you just started believing you were a cow?
Kerry: then i already have it
Diana: HA
Kerry: LOOK AT THESE THIGHS
Diana: dude, I know
Diana: mad cow is just another term for roseanne barr
Kerry: haha
Diana: my parents would cry about me dying, and people would point at my sister and say, “just be glad you heifer”
Kerry: i think i have roseanne barr disease too.
Kerry: because i screech a lot and think i’m funny
Diana: ha, me too
Diana: so funny that I had to direct the conversation back to the first bit
Kerry: people will console each other by saying “don’t worry, she’s just gone to heaven and put a cattle on”
Diana: once the funeral was over, it’d be all, “git along, lil’ dogie”
Kerry: people would herd over to your parents’ house for refreshments
Diana: if I didn’t die, though, it would most certainly be attributed to bovine intervention
Kerry: hahaha. absolutely.
Diana: are you gonna post any of this?
Kerry: yep.
Diana: I think it’s some of our best work yet
Kerry: i have been laughing very hard
Diana: me too