January 01, 2010. This is a large project. A project with many goals and many requirements. Fuck, it’s a no-holds-barred life changer is what it is. I’m fat, unemployed, pale, broke and bored. I’m single and I don’t spend enough time with the friends and relatives I love. My skin is dry, it’s flaking in patches and my keratosis pilaris is spreading. My teeth are yellowing from all the (caffeine-free, at least) Diet Coke I drink. I don’t floss. I’ve spent a long time cracking jokes and complaining and squishing my fat in my fists in the mirror but not making any real changes. Then I turned 30 six days ago. And now it’s January 1, 2010. A new day, a new year, a whole new fucking decade. And if this ain’t just the perfect storybook time for me to get my shit together, then I don’t know when I ever will.

So I will. But how will I measure my progress and keep myself accountable? …With this…

2010 PROJECT 365: SELF-PORTRAITS

NOTES ON PHOTO, BODY, MIND & FAT ASS

THE PROJECT

Take a self-portrait every day. It won’t always be full-body. It won’t always be my face. I won’t post them all online. People can take photos of me; that will count. I can draw a picture of myself (realistically or abstractly) and photograph that picture. I can take a photo of something that is not my body but represents my body or my thoughts that day. I can take a photo of something that represents the completion of a task, the meeting of a goal, progress, backsliding, achievement or failure.

• Secondary Goal: Post as many online as appropriate.
• Secondary Goal: Get over myself and my fears; post the ugly ones, not just the ones I’ve taken 15 times over and over to get right.
• Secondary Goal: Maintain high standards of creativity and variety.
• Secondary Goal: Eventually post the full-body photo of myself in a bra and panties I took tonight. I took and posted a diptych of head shots that are unflattering, so I’m still putting myself out there on Front Street. I’m not wussing out on Day One. But I don’t have the guts to post the other one yet. Once I’ve changed some and could create a decent Before And After, then I’ll post it. Also, since I’m actively searching for a job, in an office, presumably working with people who know how to Google my name, I don’t want a potential boss stumbling across a photo of me in my underwear on the web. There’s enough incriminating stuff out there. Hell, there’s enough incriminating and embarrassing stuff on this VERY PAGE. I’m trying to make people want me around, not send them screaming into the hills.

THE GOALS

Lose 50 pounds in 2010. I’m at least 50 pounds above my ideal weight and at least 20 heavier than my previous heaviest. I started to gain in the spring of 2009 when I quit taking antidepressants and all of a sudden got hungry. Usually I fluctuate between 140 and 155 but this time I hit the max and just kept going. I had to buy new clothes. The first goal is to get into my old clothes. The next goal is to get into my skinny clothes. The third goal is to keep pushing until I hit my 1999 weight. It doesn’t matter that I’m a decade older. I can weigh 125 pounds and be healthy again. Back then, I had no exercise plan. This time, I will.

• Secondary Goal: Begin, get used to and complete the Running Program I’ve printed out and taped all over the house. I had a lot of success with this plan in 2003. Also, I can easily name 10 friends whom I’ve watched with my own eyes lose weight and get happier through jogging. If they can do it, so can I.
• Secondary Goal: Join a gym or resume Centergy classes (when I can afford it).
• Secondary Goal: Start and maintain healthier eating and drinking habits. Smaller portions, less alcohol, less soda, more water, more vegetables.
• Secondary Goal: Document with photos.

Be less self-conscious. I am self-conscious about a number of things, some minor and some major, about how I look. To improve confidence, I should start changing or getting the hell used to some things. This goal is a rather amorphous catch-all, and secondary goals will no doubt change over the year.

• Secondary Goal: Improve dry skin. Use lotion daily. Drink more water. Take multi-vitamin daily.
• Secondary Goal: Brush teeth every night. Floss nightly. Use teeth whitener often.
• Secondary Goal: Stand up straight. Improve posture. Get the back-and-shoulders tattoo.
• Secondary Goal: Let my nails grow out. Maybe get a manicure and pedicure some time.
• Secondary Goal: Pay more attention to my hair. Bleach the front pieces some time, if I don’t hack them off.
• Secondary Goal: Start tanning again, as soon as possible. Remember: I love being in the tanning bed (don’t judge me. It’s awesome).  It helps my KP. A light tan makes me look healthier, stops me from being a washed-out white supernova in photos.
• Secondary Goal: See what all this eyebrow waxing is about.

Find a job where I can reward and be rewarded. First I wrote “get a job.” But it’s not that simple. I want to find a job that I enjoy, somewhere I am proud and happy to work, doing things I am proud and happy to do. And of course, pay the bills with enough left over to live my life. (Edit 01/19/10: Got a job doing telemarketing at Terminix.) Which brings me to…
Sell my house and rent a cheaper place. I love my house. I really do. But it’s far too expensive and I don’t take the kind of care of it I should. I can’t afford to, for one. And I think I’m – dare I say it – too withdrawn right now to interact with this home like I should. A homeowner is constantly cleaning, upgrading, protecting, keeping an eye on and nurturing a home. It’s something that needs to be actively Taken Care Of. And I’m just not doing that. I haven’t for years. And without a financial miracle and a separate mental miracle happening at the same time, I don’t see myself manning up to the challenge any time soon. So, I think I should pass this beauty along to someone who can and will give it what it deserves. And I can find a cheaper place hopefully brimming with Midtown charm and some built-in bookcases.

• Secondary Goal: Scale down my stuff. Have a yard sale, sell things on eBay, etc.
• Secondary Goal: Clean the house from top to bottom.
• Secondary Goal: Do all necessary minor repairs. As of now, those include: repair the shorted outlets on east wall of house, repair motion lights, repair broken wood trim on deck & hot tub house, seal & repair split deck wood, clean gutters, tighten or remove the railing on front porch, close crawlspace door DONE 01/06/10, install new garbage disposal, throw away garage awning that fell off, fix front door, fix window pane, change filter in the fridge.

Spend more time with the people I love. I don’t see them enough. I spend far too much time in my own home, alone, in my own head, alone. Being more social will also help accomplish all of the other goals.

• Secondary Goal: Answer the phone more often. Make more phone calls.
• Secondary Goal: Invite people to do things with me that aren’t in a bar or restaurant.
• Secondary Goal: Share my gym/jogging/Centergy time with friends. Jogging partners, friends in yoga class, whatever. Play Frisbee in the park with folks. I love Frisbee.
• Secondary Goal: Craft nights.
• Secondary Goal: Road trips & travel. Maybe visit my friends and family in Clarksville, Washington D.C., San Diego, Colorado, Dallas, etc. Or pack the car and drive somewhere. Get out. Interact.

Be stronger. Don’t give up so easily. Learn to embrace the learning process. I will probably, hopefully, amend this list once I accomplish goals, think of new ones, grow and strive and learn and improve. Maybe I’ll come to think some of these goals are petty. Maybe I’ll fail at some. That’s OK. I’ve got a whole year to charge forward, stumble, break walls, plod through, deduce, solve, grow, shrink, dance, love and fuck. The first 30 years were practice. Now I live.

~~~ Kerry Vaughan, January 01, 2010