Memphis is Dead. Or at least one of us is.
Jay died on Tuesday night. News broke yesterday and I feel like this photo would have been a better daily shot then. But I’d already done my blog for the day, so I’m posting it today instead. I heard about his death on Twitter, of all places. In the next few hours, most local and many national sources had picked up the story, including The Commercial Appeal, Channel 5, NPR, Pitchfork, Matador Records and Rolling Stone. You’ll have to give me a pass for not hunting down the links. Frankly I’ve read them enough already. If you know who Jay is, you’ve probably read them too. If you don’t, then it’s enough to say he was a semi-famous Memphis punk musician who’d been playing in bands (including The Lost Sounds, above) for a decade and was making a solid name on the national level as a solo artist. He was five months younger than me.
Jay was famous, or infamous really, in a lot of circles. And even if I’d never met him, it would have still been hard to hear that a Memphis musician my age had died. Especially yesterday, with the crushing, infinitely sad Haiti earthquake and the weight of possibly 100,000 deaths already breaking our souls. Sometimes all it takes to understand the deaths of a million is to feel the death of one.
But I had met Jay. In fact, I’d say we were friends for a while. Back in 04, 05 he lived in a big, rundown house with four other people, one of whom was my good friend Nicole. I was over there constantly and got to know all her roommates. I’d seen the crazy motherfucker Jay who would act out when people were watching, but soon I also knew the sweet Jay who came out when the lights weren’t on him, who waged “big-belly contests” with Nicole and me back when none of us had big bellies, who protected his friends and had yearbook photos of his elementary-school-age sister taped up in his bedroom where he’d see them every morning. He was nice to me, and I prefer to remember that instead of the tons of shitty stuff he did.
But Jay was hard to know, and I didn’t know him well. It wasn’t long before I didn’t know him at all. The last time I remember talking to him was my 28th birthday. I ran into him at the Hi-Tone. Hadn’t seen him in years. I was already wasted (it WAS my birthday, after all). It was a quiet night at the bar. He ordered us birthday shot after birthday shot and we caught up. He was excited to introduce me to his girlfriend, we talked about his music and I teased him about being “all famous and shit now.” I’m maybe remembering things through a misleading haze of Patron and nostalgia, but I feel like we talked for a long time.
That was two years ago. If I’d seen him last week, I’m not sure I would have said hello to him, or if he would have acknowledged me. Hell, with all the craziness of his life, I’m not entirely sure he would have even known my name. But I’ve always had a soft spot for him and defended him over the years to the people who thought he was all shit. I’m glad I can say I did that. I still will.
Nice post, Kerry.
Thank you, Kerry. I have been concerned this week about the stuff that would be said out here about someone I considered a friend (albeit a distant one, these days). My feelings are that for every bad thing someone can say about Jay, I’ve got three good things I could counter with.
Your final three sentences say it best for me. I’m glad we got to know him like we did. I enjoyed sharing a living space with him – he was a good roommate and it enabled me to get to know him. He was hilarious and even kind. There were so many times when people asked “How could you share a house with that dude?” and the answer was always easy: “You don’t know him.” I rarely saw Jay in the past couple years; occasionally, we’d speak at shows and around when he was in town. But, I was proud of him and his talent and always happy to hear his successes. And always pained to hear of his tribulations. I always admired him for his fearlessness and his dynamic personality.
I have been remembering good times but haven’t been able to find quite the right words to put with them to share with others (everyone’s got their own stories – I guess I’d rather keep them to myself). You did it well. But now I think I’m ready.
>> Jay really liked the key lime pie shooters at Murphy’s and I developed quite a taste for them, too. Still don’t know what’s in them but we shared many!
>> One time after a show at Murphy’s (and probably alot of afore-mentioned shooters) Jay had a pretty good gash on his hand from playing guitar like he did (like he was possessed!). I made him go in the bathroom when we got back home where I washed it up and bandaged it for him. It was a bloody mess and he was going to let it stay that way, but I had to be Mother Hen.
>> I will always remember the time that Jay cleaned Chuck’s upstairs toilet. He just couldn’t stand it anymore. I think the water was stagnant. So, while Chuck was out he went up their and took the bleach to it. Brave. It might’ve been the ONE time that toilet was ever cleaned!
>> Mostly I’ve been thinking of his mom and sisters. His mom used to call for him at the house when he was on tour and I’d end up talking to her for a little while. I hope she finds comfort in that she raised a good guy.
Thanks y’all. I struggled with writing the blog, not sure if I should publicly air my thoughts and memories about someone I hadn’t really been friends with in a long time. But I’m glad I did. I feel good about it, and it’s good to know you appreciated it.
Nicole, it’s funny you liked the last three sentences because I pretty much stole “always had a soft spot for him and defended him” from your text message. Heh! I’m glad you shared your stories. I didn’t know the one about the toilet, but I remember the night of the cut hand. I wasn’t there, but I remember you telling me about it the next day. When I heard the news, I thought of his mom too, and specifically of you talking a lot with her, how she still called him “Jimmy” and sounded, well, just like a mom. And I remember the shots at Murphy’s. They WERE good! I had some with you, if not him too. Maybe we should get together and have one.